Day 3: I play by my own rules

I'm a firm believer in making up rules as you go. For example, I LOVE to play rock, paper, scissors and just randomly whip out BULLDOZER! Now it's necessary that I capitalize that word because when playing, it must be yelled. Anyways...I'm applying this philosophy to my new diet as well. Today I ate my crappy protein breakfast, which was actually kind of good because I was so starving and ready to digest my own stomach that anything would have tasted good. I, once again, was starving by 8:30...so I drank a bunch of coffee which just made me super hyper. However I was working with my homegirl Donna so hyper is good when we work together. Thennn lunch was this veggie patty that was so full of rice I questioned whether or not it contained maggots. I'm going with the rice theory and thinking that even if I'm wrong I at least got a little extra protein. I didn't like it so I smothered it in ketchup. And contrary to what my dad has tried to tell me all my life, ketchup is NOT loaded with sugar. So I smothered that sucker up in some nice ketchup and cottage cheese and called it lunch. This may seem boring to you..if you don't know me. However if you DO know me, you  know that I usually consume a minimum of four lunches per day, preceded by two breakfasts. The fact that I have at this point only eaten 400 calories is something that I should DEFINITELY be given a tiara for.

Soo...now that it's time to get to the point, I became briefly discouraged today when I reminded myself that I currently weigh more than my dad. Yep, awesome. So I decided to order a pizza and think about how I can make some lifestyle changes that will result in drastic weight loss. It is here that we apply the "make your own rules" rule. New rule: I get one cheat day a week. It's Monday. It's a new week. Today is my cheat day. Awesome. So seeing as I won't be getting another cheat day for at least seven days, I decided to live it up. I only ate about 7 cookies, half a bagel, 3 pieces of pizza, and some candy (on top of my 1100 calories). So basically I am eating the same number of calories as I was before, I'm just cramming them all into one day. I'm considering becoming a lifestyle advisor.

Day 2: Space Travel

I started out the day with my D-Light breakfast sandwich, yum! By 8:30 I was hungry, as I am normally stuffing my face with random things by this point in the day. I complain to my co-worker that I am starving and that I cannot possibly be expected to be nice to people if I'm this hungry. She starts naming off the ingredients of a low-calorie smoothie I can try. Before she's said the third ingredient, I've already got soy milk and a banana in the blender, anxiously awaiting the third ingredient. I'm hungry and I will eat this concoction no matter what. It ends up being pretty good. Just soy milk, ice, and a banana. I suck it down like it's my last meal for a month.

By 11:00 AM, I am starving again. Sooo I whip out my 180 calorie lunch...Black bean soup. Good, right? Yeah...until I peel back the lid and see that it's freeze dried flakes of astronaut food. Yay. I eat it. I'm pissed.

Screw this, I'm going to Temple Bar for wine and cheese.

Still day 1...

I just ate gelato. And did I get the small? No. Did I go over my calories for the day? No. Because since I like to take the healthy route, I starved myself to the point of a headache just so I could have "leftover" calories for Gelato. I should do this for a living.

Day 1: This is the longest I have ever stuck to a diet.

Okay so after being talked down by my sister-in-law Jen, it's going to be a 1,100 calorie diet, and vegetables don't count. This should be better, right? Ha.

12:15 PM
Today is Saturday, so sleeping until noon made it pretty easy to skip breakfast. Lunch was a 275 calorie breakfast sandwich (turkey sausage, egg white, and a whole wheat bun). Makes sense...I'm still in my pajamas and just woke up...so breakfast for lunch is clearly the only option. I downed the sandwich in about 4.2 seconds. I had decided to take my time and savor each bite being that this was going to be most of what I ate today. I felt pretty positive after I finished it thinking, "Wow, that was good...a full meal AND I have only eaten about a quarter of my daily calories!" Twenty minutes later I decided I was still hungry and had the thought that if I took my mother's advice and ate slower, I might actually not get hungry so fast. If anything, at least I would be trying something new. I've never actually CHEWED anything I've eaten. I find it a waste of time, but have heard that it's a great digestion aid. Come to think of it, maybe that's why I take a daily medication for acid reflux...something I have in common with most AARP members. All and all, I think this will be a good day. I'm a little hungry, but it's not as bad as I expected.

4:45 PM
I'm freaking starving. It's day ONE, and I am so hungry, I'm considering going to bed at 5:00 just so I won't feel my stomach churning. And then...EPIPHANY!!! I have LETTUCE in the fridge! I had briefly forgotten that my diet is 1,100 calories per day AND all the vegetables I want. I have never been so excited to gnaw on iceburg lettuce. Yessss. I run to the kitchen and start madly chopping up lettuce and washing it. Now keep in mind, I do not doooo salad. To me, something that is only 15 calories per cup and tastes like crispy water soaked in nail polish remover is not a good option for a meal. I prefer things that are soft and covered with cheese. But tonight, this lettuce was just something pretty special. I then started going through the fridge and looking at the calorie content of things and piling very small amounts of things into my salad. After removing some of the turkey from my salad so that I could save those calories for extra dressing (that's right, you got it)...I sat down to a serving bowl full of white lettuce, some expired turkey pepperoni, a tiny bit of mozzarella cheese that was really just the dust from the bottom of the bag , and a CUP of light thousand island dressing. I think I just figured out why I've never enjoyed "salad."

5:24 PM
Chatting with my friend Erin online. She says, "drink tons of water and then eat a snack :) It fills you up but then you have to pee every 2 min."

Really? Due to the fact that I have eaten -2 calories today, I do not have the energy required to get up and walk to the bathroom. Try again.

Hungryham, WA

Picture it. Bellingham, WA-March 2011. I'm cleaning the bathroom at work one day and as I leave, turn to make sure I cleaned the mirror. It is now that I see the roll of fat that is adorning my backside. Not only have my boobs gotten so big that they are pulling my bra up my back, the bra is now being worn as a necklace as the back is practically hitting the bottom of my neck. With this fun little pudge pocket, said bra is now cutting mountain ranges into my back. I quickly exit the bathroom and go tell my co-worker that I will be starting a 1,000 calorie diet the next day. It is here that you will hear me bitch about this fun little phase of my life. If for some reason you find it interesting, feel free to join me by following my blog, OR just get super crazy and take on the diet with me. My advice? Sit back, read my rants and raves, and enjoy a box of girl scout cookies.